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New southern Xmas agreement-in effect 12 25 03
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty!!"
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".
7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
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New southern Xmas agreement-in effect 12 25 03
If Bubba Joe Claus brings that MX5 rotary cutter, 48 backhoe, bucket grapple, Miller 300 shop welder, and tandem axle gooseneck 24' 20,000 lb. capacity trailer; he can have as many RC cola's and moon pies as he wants and spit where ever he damn well wants! ;o)
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New southern Xmas agreement-in effect 12 25 03
Hey Bubba Joe Claus! What happened to my MX5 rotary cutter, 48 backhoe, bucket grapple, Miller 300 shop welder, and tandem axle gooseneck 24' 20,000 lb. capacity trailer?????? There was spit all over the front porch and the trash cans were all turned over and picked through but no goodies? The wife says to next time put the toilet seat lid up BEFORE you pee in the pot and take you spit can with you when you go! ;o)
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12-23-2003, 06:25 
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