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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
The Cat, Copper pipe, and Tabasco Sauce
STORY TIME: This is a true story, Peters, the names have not been changed because no one is without sin.
I at one time lived in a house with a cinderblock front porch. The house was built in the 1940’s. My wife owned a cat that decided that the fine dirt under the porch was a good place for her litter box. On certain days the smell was beyond belief. On one unusually bad Friday at work I took off early to start a long weekend. The temp. was around 98 degrees no breeze and the stench oozing from the front porch was terrible. I lost it; the dark side of the force was strong in me at that moment. I went into the house got the 22 magnum Pistol loaded with magnum rat shot and under the house to teach the cat a lesson.
You may think you know what is about to happen but you don’t have a clue. I still don’t know how the cat was getting under the enclosed porch. As I crawled on all threes in order to keep the pistol out of the 60-year-old fine black dust like dirt the porch was coming into sight. The cat made a break for the broken vent 30’ away in order to escape my wrath. I trailed her with the pistol while resting on my elbows and fired 5 shots. Always kept the pistol on an empty cylinder thank god I only had 5 rounds. The cat disappeared through the vent hole seeming untouched. The carnage that remained was out of this world.
The copper plumbing pipe was hit in two places and looked like a sprinkler system. There were three red bricks that was damaged light was shinning through. The firing of the pistol raised the dust up to a kind of fog and the water made sure it covered everything completely including me. My first though was how did rat shot cause this kind of damage. The second thought was damage control. I crawled out and went to the water cut off valve installed by the county by the edge of the road. The valve needed a secret special county only wrench key. After around 30 min. of trying, a crowbar and vice grip was a suitable replacement to close the valve. I then had time to check the pistol, it was 22 magnum bullets not rat shot. Had an intruder in the neighborhood earlier in the year and I forgot I made the change.
I made an assessment of the damage and decided I needed to fix the plumbing to hide my dastardly deed before my wife got home. The small propane torch should be just the thing for un-sweating the pipe. Lit the torch held it on the pipe wide open for 2 or 3 minutes to no avail. In my highly madden state I gathered several bricks and rocks together propped up the torch and let it eat, while I had a smoke (quit 8 yrs ago). I then checked the pipe it was still solid. I then called my father in law asking advice. He informed me that you could not melt solder with water in the line. I would have to cut the pipe and take out the damaged section. Not a problem. Yea right.
The pipe was under strain because the plumbing straps held it tight to the floor joist. The pipe cutter I had fit in between the floor joist and worked like a champ. After around 5 or 6 turns with the cutter the pipe sprung down into the sleeve of my long sleeve shirt. It poured that super heated water from my wrist to my elbow. When I recoiled from the heat, my head went into the nails jutting down from the floor joist ripping my scalp. At this point in time I could have led the Charlie Mansion Family. I also had lost track of time.
While I was in the house loading the 20 gauge three inch magnum shot gun with # 4 three inch magnums my wife walked in. I informed her of the cat’s situation, and my desire to turn the cat inside out with this shotgun. Also the lack of water. She looked at me in horror and said I needed to go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I scared myself; you could only see my eyes. My face was caked ¼ inch deep with solid black dust, except for the bright red blood streaks on each side of my head that had drained down from my scalp and my shirt was soaked with blood. She thought I was out of my mind, she was right. I checked my arm and the shirtsleeve was tight and my wife had to help me unbutton it. I had a ½” high blister 2” wide from my wrist to my elbow full of water.
I at this point in time I decided that the cat had learned its lesson.
To wind this story up my wife caught the cat and took it to her fathers. I did replace the damaged plumbing after gathering more information. I covered it with the black foam sections of insulation to protect from freezing. The next winter I got up one morning and there was no water. The dogs had chewed all the Insulation off the pipes. I replaced it, poured Tabasco sauce on the new insulation and in the dog’s mouth. I moved a few years later and a far as I know the insulation is still good.
From my archives
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
That's quite a story. What I can't figure about cats is why they won't use the litterbox if it gets dirty and smelly but they're more than willing to pee in the same stinky place under the house over and over again.
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
Now I know who to go to when I wanna get rid of my 3 cats! We had 4 cats until one died at 18 years over the winter. I was hoping one of the cats would eat the screeching Cocatoo parrot we've had for 5 years. Unfortunately the Cocatoo would make a quick meal of the cats.
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
To paraphrase a famous (southern) comedian "I don't care who ya' are, that right there is funny!!"....
I thought I was the only 'cat teacher' around, apparently I'm am merely a rookie at it.
A buddy of mine had a similar situation, except the offending feline was the next door neighbours, and it began right after the new neighbours (and their cat) moved in. He could almost live with the cats howling all night, but the stench from under is back deck was pretty over-powering. He told me had tried *everything* he could think of, hot sauce, motion sensors, you name it!! He was at his wits end. Every single night when she got home (6 p.m. sharp) she let the cat out, and it made a bee-line straight for his deck to pinch off a little smelly gift for him!! I asked if he had just asked the neighbour to do something about the cat. He said he had, and she was the most drop-dead gorgeous thing he had ever seen and couldn't say squat to her!!!  !!
I told him I had an easy solution. I told him it would require a hot BBQ, a couple of cold foamy adult beverages, and a couple of steaks, he agreed, and I went to his place about 5 p.m. the next day.
Now the funny thing about my little pooch, Deputy Dog, is that if I'm nearby, and there is sunshine, he will lay down and go to sleep and he could sleep through a train wreck, but if he's awake, and sees something moving under it's own steam, then it *must* be a good thing to hunt, chase at the very least!!
So we sit in the afternoon sun, having a beer and chatting, while Jackson dreams of fields of bunnies, or whatever it is he chases in his sleep. Sure enough, about 6 p.m. we hear the neighbours car pull up, I motion to my buddy, Shhhh, quiet. A moment later the neighbours back door opens and we hear the her shoo the cat outside and close the door.
Within minutes we can hear the cat scratching below us, I give it one more minute to be sure, then gently pick up Jackson, walk to the edge of the deck oposite the neighbours place, hold him out over the rail, and DROP HIM!!! Sure enough him hitting the ground startled the cat, as soon as the cat flinched, the chase was on!!
I discovered three interesting facts that afternoon;
a) Cats cannot finish their 'business' at a flat out run,
b) Cats can, and will go through a piece of wood lattice at a flat out run, regardless of whether or not they actually fit through the holes,
c) Cats can climb cement utility poles!! Who knew??!!
After we recovered or composure, the neighbour came out to see what all the belly laughing was about, she was a pretty gal, but turned rather ugly when she noticed her cat sitting on top of the electric lines shaking with fear. I merely said it was too bad she didn't care enough about her pet to keep it safe, my dog hadn't gone anywhere near it until it was waaaay over here in my buddies yard. Lucky he was just a dog and not a truck!! The next day he called me to say some men from the home center had arrived and erected a steel fence dog run, and kitty now goes outside for his fresh air there, and there only!! .
Best of luck.
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
SG8NUC,
A dozen more stories like this and you have a book!
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
A method that some say works very well...Chianese Restaurant opens in the area...
A friend of mine had one in his house that bothered him unitl it jumped on top of what was a normally closed chest freezer. He said after a few minutes in there the cat's attitude changed. Guess he cooled off.
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
I try to ignore my wife's cat as much as possible. Prior to the marriage the cat was used to laying anywhere she wanted, including her bed. Well cat hair and my nose do not mix so the cat was banned from our bedroom. But in the middle of the night I would hear the damn thing padding around on the bare wood floor. In the middle of the night when it's otherwise silent those cat steps sounded like drumbeats and when I can't sleep, I GET ANGRY. So I got out of bed and saw a dark lump in the middle of the floor. I knew it was either the cat or a small pile of bricks (we were in the middle of building a fireplace). Again, I was SO ANGRY I didn't care which one it was and kicked that darkened lump with my bare foot.
Thankfully my foot connected with something soft which then went flying across the room. The cat doesn't come into our room anytime anymore. Funny how that works...
Cat whisperer or cat ass-kicker, you make the call.
Dave
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
Thanks for the laughs guys. I don't have that many cat stories. At my last house, the neighbor's cat would pinch a loaf ON my front porch if my dogs chased it earlier. It was in town so I couldn't use firearms. I did like to scare it by setting off the alarm on my truck. That startles the hell out of them at 1 am.
I did get in trouble with the stepmonster by shaving her cat. He always jumped on my back and sank his claws in when I read the paper at the kitchen counter. It's amazing how flexible you get and how far you can reach when those claws sink in! So when he sat on the bathroom counter while I was shaving, I scratched him between the ears with the electric trimmer feature. He loved it. Stepmonster wasn't so amused.
But it's a lesson on how losing your temper always makes it worse. Been there, done that. Likely will do it again sometime.
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
Most of us who have had farm cats have taken one out of the fan belt of the car or pickup on a cold winter day. boy what a mess, and always the kids favorite cat.
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The Cat Copper Pipe and Tabasco Sauce
Hardwood, my wife's aunt and uncle had one of them fan-belt cats. I called him Tripod. He got around pretty good despite missing that front leg. Then he up and disappeared. Coyote or wolf probably got him. They have both up there.
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