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tractor therapy
The past few weeks have been especially tough as my wife of nearly 10 years has moved out (just at night -- comes home to see and take care of the kids during the day for as long as she is able) and says that our marriage is over and has been for some time. She's battled depression for almost 20 years so I have gotten used to (perhaps immune to) the sense of despair she has talked about for months or even years. All the signs were there but I didn't pay enough, or give the right kind of, attention -- curled up in a ball as soon as I got home, no interest in things that once brought her happiness, saying there is no hope, and even talk of suicide. I feel we're doing all the right things -- seeing a marriage counselor, she is seeing a therapist and has an appointment with a psychiatrist, and her medication was re-evaluated a few days ago. It all helps, and while things seem dark often, I do see hope.
While I do beleive all the therapists and medications are necessary to treat a very real illness, what helps me is tractor time. When I really feel overwhelemd by the situation, a little time moving snow (and fortunately we have plenty right now), whether it's plowing the driveway, making an unecessary path, or just cutting back a snowbank, things get put back into persepctive. Problems can be solved and seemingly impossible tasks can be performed. When I get off the tractor I can look and see what I did and I am reminded that with the right tools, energy, perseverance, and will, problems, even seemingly insumountable ones like the heavy wet snow that covered the driveway two days ago, can be solved.
So I guess now my tractor is a medical expense, hence a right-off -- and tax time is just around the corner!
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tractor therapy
Thanks all. There are good support systems in place for me, the kids, and my wife -- lots of family and friends nearby really helps. The hardest part is that she really doesn't see that she is not thinking and acting rationally as her mind is clouded with this sickness. Yesterday, for the first time, she said that maybe she is sick. For the most part, though, she says that the problems are not with her but with the marriage, her past (particularly the way her mother treated her 20-30 years ago), and most importantly, everyone who is meddling with her -- if everyone just leaft her alone she would be fine. For example, I called her doctor and told her what was going on -- the doctor was very concerned and wanted to see her first thing the next day. The doctor met with my wife for over an hour, then my wife went to a "nurse psychiatrist" (not sure what the actual title is) who met with her for almost two hours. Both of these people recomended a voluntary, intense, partial hospitalization program (my wife opted out). Yet, I was the bad guy -- if I had not gotten involved, none of this would have happened. She just doesn't see that it was two different trained medical professionsals (in addition to the therapist she sees and the marriage counselor we see together) who were concerned and recomended a course of treatment -- if they had thought she was fine, they would have told her to leave and told me that everything is just fine and we just have relationship issues.
It is hard but I get through it by reminding myself, many times a day, that she is sick and it is the disease talking, not her. If she had cancer or some other illness that required long-term treatment and difficult treatment, I (and others) would be by her side supporting her. Mental illness, unfortunately, has a stigma attached to it, but it is an illness. With time, support, and treatment, I know she will see this, admit that there is a problem, and more actively seek treatment.
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tractor therapy
I hope it's just the lack of sun but I doubt it. And no, I won't throw in the towel on the marriage -- it's worth fighting for. It's tough, though, to listen to her rationalize things -- tonight she had (in her mind saying no is not an option) to go to dinner with a friend. Getting ready meant ignoring the kids who just want to spend time with their mother -- and yes, it is hard watching her get all dressed up and look so great (and no, there isn't anyone else, of that I am sure). After she left our daughter kept saying she wants Mommmy and I have to say Mommy's not here...
It is unbelievable how she can put on a happy face and basically fool the world -- something she has done for years. It's only when she is at home that the facade crumbles and the despair sets in.
A good example of her inability to see staright is that she insisted that she is not depressed, she knows what that is like and this isn't it. Not 30 minutes later the doctor who has been looking into her midcations called and told her that she is adding another medication -- so my wife asked me to pick up the prescription. She doesn't see or hear that a doctor is prescribing a second medication to treat depression -- she insists that she is in an unhappy marriage and is not depressede. I hope this new drug will lift enough of the cloud so that she can see she needs help -- and that whatever happens in out marriage can only happen when the cloud of depression is lifted.
But hey, there is a little snow falling again, so I'll have more "therapy" later tonight or in the morning! Maybe I'll go put the chains on just in case...
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tractor therapy
I don't sit in on all the docotors appointments and I don't talk to her therapist. I did speak with her primary care physician and was concerned because she did not know the extent of what was going on -- but does now. One thing that I find is how little the different doctors communicate with each other -- and when they do it feels rushed (at least to me). I am an educator, and what I am used to is when a student is in trouble we have team meetings with parents, teachers, the advisor, administration -- and anyone else who is working with the child. This way we are all hearing the same message and are all on board as to the steps that are required to help the child. My experience is that medicine does not always work in the same way -- sometimes it does, but not always.
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The power of the Internet -- my best, non-medical guess, is that she suffers from a condition called borderline personality disorder. This explains a lot to me -- ongoing battle with bulimia, excessive spending, feelings of being worthless, extreme anger and depression -- but is also the "life of the party". The more I learn the more it fits -- but we'll see what the doctors say.
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Probably going to see a psychiatrist next week. It's interesting -- I also learned she has accumulated significant credit card debt (not sure if I mentioned this) which she says she wants to deal with. Yet today, off she goes with one of the kids and spend a ton of money onstuff we don't need. It's sad, because I see her get angry with herself for doing this, but she doesn't seem to be able to stop. And the kids are 2, almost 4, and almost 6. The oldest just wants to know why she can't stay here, the middle climbs all over her when she is here but doesn't ask for her when she isn't, and the third is fine until bedtime when she just wants her mommy...
I've gotten over the need to put a label on my wife's condidtion. Instead, I want to make sure that the diagnosis and subsequent treatment are right.
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Well, she has moved back into the house into the guest room. We are working on lots of issues and often it feels like a step forward results in two steps backwards. In the same sentence she will talk about divorce -- and vacationing together this summer. She is slowly starting to face things, but is still looking for a quiick and easy solution to some very complicated issues -- and tends to "run away" (literally and figuratively) when things get tough.
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tractor therapy
Do I want to raise three children by myself? No. But of course I will...
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Don't get me wrong I am anything but an absentee father -- I'm up with the kids first thing in the morning getting them ready for school, bring them to school, make dinner when I get home, put them to bed -- and I wouldn't change it for anything. Still, though, right now my wife is here (sort of). The thought of her not being here is tough -- no matter what I love her.
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I do hope that things will work out in the end -- and I know they will but I don't know what the future looks like. Right now, for lack of a better term, I am broken. I hurt. But I know that I can and will get through this...
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03-18-2007, 18:14 
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