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tractor therapy
The past few weeks have been especially tough as my wife of nearly 10 years has moved out (just at night -- comes home to see and take care of the kids during the day for as long as she is able) and says that our marriage is over and has been for some time. She's battled depression for almost 20 years so I have gotten used to (perhaps immune to) the sense of despair she has talked about for months or even years. All the signs were there but I didn't pay enough, or give the right kind of, attention -- curled up in a ball as soon as I got home, no interest in things that once brought her happiness, saying there is no hope, and even talk of suicide. I feel we're doing all the right things -- seeing a marriage counselor, she is seeing a therapist and has an appointment with a psychiatrist, and her medication was re-evaluated a few days ago. It all helps, and while things seem dark often, I do see hope.
While I do beleive all the therapists and medications are necessary to treat a very real illness, what helps me is tractor time. When I really feel overwhelemd by the situation, a little time moving snow (and fortunately we have plenty right now), whether it's plowing the driveway, making an unecessary path, or just cutting back a snowbank, things get put back into persepctive. Problems can be solved and seemingly impossible tasks can be performed. When I get off the tractor I can look and see what I did and I am reminded that with the right tools, energy, perseverance, and will, problems, even seemingly insumountable ones like the heavy wet snow that covered the driveway two days ago, can be solved.
So I guess now my tractor is a medical expense, hence a right-off -- and tax time is just around the corner!
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tractor therapy
Very sorry to hear of your troubles Oliver. I'm the last guy to offer advice about those types of problems, but we'll keep you and your wife in our prayers. There is something very therapeutic about pushing things around on a tractor. I find it relaxing to go out and move around slash after a stressful day.
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Oliver, hey buddy why don't you change your profile preferences to accept personal messages? I'm sure there members out there who have been there and can reach out to you---privately and confidentially. And while trctor therapy is great, depression is nothing to mess with as it touches everyone in the family. We're here for you, man.
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Oliver; I do know what depression is. I haven't had the loss you have of a family breakup, but business afairs got me down bad a few years ago. If you have a pain in your leg, a problem with your stomach, type symptom you can explain your problem to a doctor. Depression however hits you on your blindside, you never see it coming, till you have it. Explaining your feelings to a doctor is difficult to say the least, because you cannot describe your feelings, that may sound strange, but so true. I just overnight lost all intrest in everything, was scared to leave the house, could'nt stand to see a clock, on and on with strange feelings and fears. In spite of my desire to leave home trying to escape the world, my wife and family put up with a lot of resistance from me and got me help. They took me to several doctors before they found one who did understand my felings and recognized my desparate need for help. He perscribed some medications, gave my family encouragement and proved to be almost a miracle worker for us. It is not a comdition that is cured quickly, it took me nearly a year to get myself back. I take medication to this day, but thank God I got over it. My purpose in all this is to encourage you not to give up on your wife's problem. You will need an unbelievable amount of patience and understanding to handle this, but we did it and with Gods help you can too. We'll keep you in our prayers. Frank.
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Thanks all. There are good support systems in place for me, the kids, and my wife -- lots of family and friends nearby really helps. The hardest part is that she really doesn't see that she is not thinking and acting rationally as her mind is clouded with this sickness. Yesterday, for the first time, she said that maybe she is sick. For the most part, though, she says that the problems are not with her but with the marriage, her past (particularly the way her mother treated her 20-30 years ago), and most importantly, everyone who is meddling with her -- if everyone just leaft her alone she would be fine. For example, I called her doctor and told her what was going on -- the doctor was very concerned and wanted to see her first thing the next day. The doctor met with my wife for over an hour, then my wife went to a "nurse psychiatrist" (not sure what the actual title is) who met with her for almost two hours. Both of these people recomended a voluntary, intense, partial hospitalization program (my wife opted out). Yet, I was the bad guy -- if I had not gotten involved, none of this would have happened. She just doesn't see that it was two different trained medical professionsals (in addition to the therapist she sees and the marriage counselor we see together) who were concerned and recomended a course of treatment -- if they had thought she was fine, they would have told her to leave and told me that everything is just fine and we just have relationship issues.
It is hard but I get through it by reminding myself, many times a day, that she is sick and it is the disease talking, not her. If she had cancer or some other illness that required long-term treatment and difficult treatment, I (and others) would be by her side supporting her. Mental illness, unfortunately, has a stigma attached to it, but it is an illness. With time, support, and treatment, I know she will see this, admit that there is a problem, and more actively seek treatment.
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Is she bi-polar or have a manic depressive personality? I have friends and acquaintances with each. Being on and having the correct prescriptions at all times is key.
It is hard for those of us to understand this type of illness. I always say that I have a recessive gene that makes me smile all of the time. I'm kinda like the pac-man game from years ago or the energizer battery. I just keep on going no matter what.
You can't talk these types of illnesses away, medication is the only way. It does take allot of comfort and effort on your part to attempt to make her feel better. You're a good man for sticking with her. I've also read that some people drastically rely on sunshine for mental health. If you live in a wooded area with lots of shade that can be adding to the troubles. You may need a sun room or sky lights or a lengthy trip to the sunshine state. The winter months are worse on these types of conditions. My one friend is retired and now spends about 3 months near the Keys to keep him positive.
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Oliver, there has been some very good advice given. Until and unless I am willing to admit my sickness it is hard to get help. Prayers of others and their words of encourgament can mean a lot. Realize you are where many others have already travelled. Most make it often with support of others. Sadly some don't. God can and will help if allowed. Will be remembering you, your wife and children. kt
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Oliver, I know what you're going through, it's not easy. I went through the same thing a few months back, my wife of 10 years (a second marriage) who had stood by my through thick & thin suddenly went into a depression that caused her to do some terrible things.
The bottom line was we parted ways, although luckily we had no children, so at least there was one small blessing in the mix.
The important part is to make sure it doesn't bring you down, and to be sure that your kids know the truth, and that none of this was as a result of them. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
I too know the value of keeping your mind and body busy through this, be sure you don't get too busy for your 'other' friends too, sometimes a cold adult beverage does more good than you might think.
Best of luck.
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Oliver,
your marriage is not over and everything will be OK.
I've been there, I gave hell to my wife, I was going to get divorce for no reason.. any reason I created with my sick mind was a good reason. My wife knew I was ill,so she just suffered and took my abuse hoping that one day I will be OK. Funny part of all that is,that I had NO reason to be depressed. NONE. Period.
And yes, every winter I was on medications, suicidal, mean unbearable./medications HELPED/.
ASA the spring came, more sun , my depression was gone.I was smiling again, no more drugs.
I found out, that a lock of sun, frekvent overcast and bad winter Illinois weather were the MAJOR contributions to my situation.
I just need a sun for my brain to function. Gotta go south.
Maybe your wife is the similar case. Maybe.
She may need a sun.
Joe
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I hope it's just the lack of sun but I doubt it. And no, I won't throw in the towel on the marriage -- it's worth fighting for. It's tough, though, to listen to her rationalize things -- tonight she had (in her mind saying no is not an option) to go to dinner with a friend. Getting ready meant ignoring the kids who just want to spend time with their mother -- and yes, it is hard watching her get all dressed up and look so great (and no, there isn't anyone else, of that I am sure). After she left our daughter kept saying she wants Mommmy and I have to say Mommy's not here...
It is unbelievable how she can put on a happy face and basically fool the world -- something she has done for years. It's only when she is at home that the facade crumbles and the despair sets in.
A good example of her inability to see staright is that she insisted that she is not depressed, she knows what that is like and this isn't it. Not 30 minutes later the doctor who has been looking into her midcations called and told her that she is adding another medication -- so my wife asked me to pick up the prescription. She doesn't see or hear that a doctor is prescribing a second medication to treat depression -- she insists that she is in an unhappy marriage and is not depressede. I hope this new drug will lift enough of the cloud so that she can see she needs help -- and that whatever happens in out marriage can only happen when the cloud of depression is lifted.
But hey, there is a little snow falling again, so I'll have more "therapy" later tonight or in the morning! Maybe I'll go put the chains on just in case...
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