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Joke o the day
In keeping with the bear theme going on another thread, and to appeal to Mark love of double entendre, a bear joke:
A 'city fella' goes off into the country with his gal, finds a nice spot for a picnic and settles down for a romantic afternoon. Along comes a bear who scares the gal badly, the fella is furious that the bear spoiled his plans. He goes to his house, drops off his girl, takes his pistol and goes back to look for the bear. Sure enough, the bear is curled up sleeping on their blanket, full from eating their lunch. He sneaks up, clenches his teeth, closes his eyes and empties his gun, point blank. The smoke clears and to his surprise, there is NO bear, dead or otherwise. He goes back to his car and proceeds to put his pistol back in the trunk, as he bends into the trunk he feels a tap on his shoulder, he turns and there is the bear who says "You were trying to KILL me!!", the man denies it "No" he says "I just came up her for a little romance with my gal.". The bear says "Romance, huh, I'll teach you to try and kill me, drop your drawers and get over that trunk lid mister!".
REALLY furious the man drives back to the gun shop and buys a bigger gun, goes back to the woods and tries again, and again the bear is waiting for him at the car, "This time you were trying to kill me" the bear says, again the man denies it, and again the bear decides to teach him a lesson instead of killing him, and once again 'bends him over the car'.
REALLY, really mad now, the man again drives back to the gun shop, this time he buys a bazooka and heads back to the woods. Finding the bear picking at an old stump he lines up the bazooka and BOOM, half the hill is gone ...
The man goes back to his car, finally, satisfied he has triumphed over the bear, he starts apcking away the bazooka into the trunk.
From behind him he hears the bears voice.... "OK, now I believe you, you really are just coming up here for a little romance, now drop your drawers......."
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Joke o the day
Alaska Cop Humor
The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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Joke o the day
Two guys walk into a bar .....
The third guy sees it in time and ducks .......
ERR, um, yeah, is it time to pull that guy's wife out again yet?
Best of luck.
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Joke o the day
Running the gambit here is a southern animal joke (for Chief).
An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes,man, I'll go and kill my own croc!" To which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for the two Marines who were doing the same!"
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought.
Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay.
Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darnn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
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Joke o the day
I suspect we will have more notice than that when HE comes back.
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Joke o the day
Following that theme.
A man and his wife get pulled over for speeding. The man says "officer, I dont believe I was speeding, Ive had the cruise control set on 55 the whole time" the wife blurts out" Honey you know that cruise control hasnt worked for months". The man is obviously irritated by his wifes big mouth. So the officer notices the man isnt wearing a seatbelt. The man says that he just took it off to get his wallet when he got stopped. His wife then laughs and tells the officer that he has never worn a seatbelt as long as she can remember. Now the man is just fuming at his wife.
So as the officer is walking back up to his car to write the two tickets, he cant help but hear the man yelling and cursing at his wife. The officer walks up to the mans door and asks if there is a problem. The wife says "no, he always gets loud when hes been drinking"
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Joke o the day
Loved the allegator shoes joke Eric! ROTFLMAO!!!!! Good call! 
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Joke o the day
Mood Ring
My husband, not happy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he
would be able to monitor my attitude.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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Joke o the day
Sometimes I wake up GRUMPY; but most times I let her sleep.
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Joke o the day
A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar. The man sits down and orders a
drink, but the monkey runs around the bar, climbs on the pool table,
grabs the white cue ball, and swallows it.
The bartender sees this, and says to the monkey's owner, "You know, I
make a lot of money from that pool table, but now without the cue ball
it's useless!"
To which the monkey's owner responds, "I tell you what we'll do, I will
pay for say ... ten games, because that's about what you will make on
the pool table between now and closing time, and then tomorrow, once
nature has taken it's course, I will wash the cue ball, and bring it
back to you"
The bartender agrees to this, and the man leaves the bar with his
monkey. The next day the man and his monkey are back in the bar. The man
sits down, and the monkey sits down on the bar next to him. The monkey's
owner returns the cleaned cue ball to the bartender who accepts it and
thanks him.
The monkey, feeling a bit hungry, picks up a single peanut from the bowl
on the bar, sticks it where 'the sun don't shine' and puts it in his
mouth. The bartender sees this and says to the monkey's owner
"You know that monkey of your is really disgusting, look what he is
doing with those peanuts! I have customers who want to eat those
peanuts!"
To which the monkey's owner replies
"Yes, but my monkey doesn't eat anything anymore without measuring it
first!"
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10-07-2003, 08:54 
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