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Joke o the day
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
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Joke o the day
Men beware Women have their thing now...
For all those men who believe that there's
no reason to buy the cow when you can get
the milk for free:
These days 80% of women are against marriage
as they have wised up to the fact that for
7 ounces of sausage it's just not worth
buying the entire pig.
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Joke o the day
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be," she said.
"Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
"Husband No. 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..mmmmmmm ....God I miss him!!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride. "Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Moral of the story, even the Tax Man is appreciated by somebody!
Best of luck.
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Joke o the day
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein eventually looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"
"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
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Joke o the day
CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title!
In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room.
The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:
(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap
The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including testicle(s) and a backbone.
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Joke o the day
In honour of our friend the Beagle-miester's presently running thread about his computer problems, here isa funny from a techie friend of mine.
A little boy asks his Father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"
The father says, "Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway, might as well be now..." he contiunes "Your Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your Mother downloaded from Dad's memory stick. As soon as Dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, you, our blessed little virus appeared. That's the how it happened."
Best of luck.
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Joke o the day
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine, for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... 'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The
name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!'"
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Joke o the day
Here are some of Murphy's OTHER, less known laws;
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12 She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get an other one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Joke o the day
Here's one in honour of our members who served us keeping our streets safe.....
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. The old Sargeant slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer saying "I've never had so much as a parking ticket young man."
The officer examines the license. He looks quite
puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me
you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: WHAT?? Why I'll bet the liar even told you I was speeding, too didn't he???.
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Joke o the day
Older lady is pretty PC Murf. Can't you just call her an old woman? 
Thanks for the joke.
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12-19-2003, 20:05 
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