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Joke o the day
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
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Joke o the day
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real
money."
"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his
business."
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Joke o the day
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded,! "You must be a democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."
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Joke o the day
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in..... THEN the trouble started.
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Joke o the day
John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion on words and their meaning. The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers -- "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"That's wrong," Kerry shouts. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand -- "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"You are completely incorrect" shouts the Senator. "That would be what we would consider a great loss."
The room goes silent -- no other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a little Ernie raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says -- "If a plane carrying the Senator John Kerry were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"
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Joke o the day
AV8R - Out of the mouth of babes!  MAO
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Banner ads all over Michigan; "Kerry for Sportsmen" Do I need to say more!
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Joke o the day
Three young boys were trying to figure out whose Dad was the best and the fastest.
"My Dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My Dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My Dad's the best and the fastest because he works for the Government. He gets off work at 5:00 has a half-hour commute and is home by 4:30."
Hopefully his Dad is not the President.
Best of luck.
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Joke o the day
just for reference, that work on other large mammals too...just get em in the gotcha and it will bring just about anything to a stop
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Joke o the day
Posted by Murf in another thread:
"Kinda reminds me of the joke about the elderly fella, good Christian, worked hard at farming his whole life, never made much money, not hardly enough to retire but too busted up and long in the tooth to keep farming. Decides to go to church every day and spends hours praying every single day, always the same thing .... "Dear Lord, I'm a good Christian down on my luck, could you find it in your Grace to send a winning lottery ticket my way?"
After months of this the old-timer stops on the steps of the church, looks up and says "Lord, why won't you give me a winning lottery ticket?"
The clouds part, a small beam of light appears shining directly on the old man and a voice from above asks "Where do you buy your lottery tickets?"
Astounded and in awe of this the man is barely able to utter "I... I...... I don't buy lottery tickets."
To which the voice from above replies "you dont buy tickets!? I don't mind 'helping' a little, but do you think you can at least work with me a little bit here?"
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09-27-2004, 12:05 
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