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Joke o the day
Seasonal joke.
Did you hear about the politician who broke his arm raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree trying to pat himself on the back for doing such a good job.
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Joke o the day
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender tells the sandwich he must leave, he's not allowed in the bar.
The sandwich states that it's against the law for the bartender to discriminate against him on the basis he's a sandwich.
The bartender politely says it's not discrimination, but he must leave.
The sandwich asks "On what grounds do I have to leave?"
To which the bartender replies "There's a sign at the door that clearly states WE DON'T SERVE FOOD. Get out."
Best of luck.
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Joke o the day
So........You have two cows.....
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN CORPORATION
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
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Joke o the day
Chief, you forgot one.
CANADIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Winter arrives.
You diversify into the ice cream business.
California Corporation claims unfair subsidy and imposes trade restrictions.
You sell your ice cream to Europe.
 MAO.
Best of luck.
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Joke o the day
About the Construction accident.....
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.
You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...
More of my favorites on http://www.omegastar.com/rca/misc/humor/humor.html
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Joke o the day
How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.Then God created Man and rested.Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women! who can handle the truth...
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Joke o the day
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of
money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again untilhe was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100 sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
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Joke o the day
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims.
"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a
picture of George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to New York."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from New York?"
The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of Hillary Clinton in the middle.
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Joke o the day
I like "W" and I saw this on a left leaning political board. I got a good chuckle out of it anyway. It was posted during Bush's visit to England and the title of the joke is:
THE QUEEN
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with
an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
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Joke o the day
Marketing in America explained:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You walk over to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to the guy and, while pointing at you, says "That's
my friend and she's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You walk up to him, you introduce
yourself, and you get his telephone number. The next day, you call him
and say: "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a good looking guy at a party. You straighten your dress, you
walk over to him, and you pour him a drink. You say: "May I," as you
reach up to straighten his tie, while brushing your body lightly against
his arm. Then you say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks over to you and says,
"I hear that you are fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and you see a good looking guy. He fancies you, but
you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party, when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all the houses that you're passing. You climb onto the
roof of one of the houses and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed."
That's Junk Mail.
You're at a party and a very well-built, muscular guy walks up to you
and gropes you.
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You really like it but 20 years later your attorney decides that you
were offended.
THAT'S AMERICA.
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11-03-2003, 14:42 
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